Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Blowing Hot And Cold.

I happened to spot something right out of the blue this morning and it had me seeing red!
Right after 'feeding the fishes', I went to the bathroom sink to wash my hands and noticed, for the first time in my
twenty-odd-something-or-so years, that the tap on the left was marked red and the one on the right, blue.
Well ok, I had noticed THAT before, but not the significance of it!

Doesn't it work that way in politics too?

Dear God, if it's not enough that they want to brainwash us, they want to handwash us too?
After all these (relatively few) years that I've been trying to wash my hands of politics, only to realise that I've been doing that every time I purge myself, anyway!

Seems a little unfair on the Lib-Dems, though (those 80 or 90% of you that have never heard of them, please follow the link). So I suggest that we dedicate the mixer tap on the bidet to them.
Seems appropriate enough, a mixture of red and blue, lightly splashed with flotsam from one's undercarriage!

Anyway, enough of talking crap for the mo, I hear The Sharpees will be rockin' and bluesin' the New Year in at Churchills tonight. Well I'll definitely be along for that, some beer and yet another chance to try and get their gorgeous guitarist to rattle out a little number on my G-string.

Grope strings internal, as they say!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


It's slowly dawned on me over the last year, as occasionally some things do, that a great deal of the mischievous behavior of my ethereal friends, North of the border between life and death, can be attributed to boredom. That is to say, on 'the other side' without substance or form, there's not a bloody lot to do other than bother those who have those things, namely us, on the grounds that they're more enlightened and can better appreciate having them now that they haven't any more.

A bit like benefit scroungers, really!

But where the difference lies is that some of these spectres would like to get out of that rut and change the hollow echoes that reflect their former lives.

Though, naturally, there would be a small charge for services rendered!

But the benefits to their clients could be enormous, as outlined in some of the special talents that are available, listed below...

Rod, former entertainer, can get just about anyone to start a fight, merely by inserting his spectral fist into their anus. He can be an astonishing nuisance to anyone attempting to fix their TV arial.

Fred is quite adept at hiding things around your house, in particular your children. Ideal for quietening the homestead for a day or two. He's looking forward to his wife Rose joining forces with him at some point and, I suppose, so are we!

Chris, despite a previous tendancy towards confusion over which goes on first, his underpants or his trousers, has quite an array of skills. These include making the Earth rotate backwards and reversing time, flirting with female reporters (though I'm quite sure he won't want to do that around these parts), and making horses fall over. He also claims to be rather good at saving the World, though as I understand it, he's done that so many times already that it's become a bit boring and he'd just as soon not bother any more.

These special ex-people are just a few of many that are expressing an interest in hiring out their skills. I'll add more as they come in.

If anyone is interested in procuring any of these very special services, please contact me on the email address at the top of this page to discuss terms.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Did anyone else get one of those little notes, appearing to promote the use of ID cards on the Isle Of Thanet, under their windscreen wiper this morning?
There wasn't any detail included, just a somewhat cryptic promotion of sewing the seeds of a Big Brother State, right here on OUR Island.

I couldn't see any of these notes on the other cars in my road, including the one on the drive-way that I'd parked across, but assumed that everyone else had got up at a reasonable hour and removed them.

Was mine the only street that was targeted for this ridiculous campaign?

Honestly, this place gets more and more like Nazi Germany every day!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Keeping One's Hand In.

A friend of mine recently passed on this email to me. Though I don't normally publish this kind of thing, much preferring to slice you up with my own rapier wit instead, I felt this was plenty good enough to share!

A young man Called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a pair of good quality, fur lined leather gloves.
His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, so the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers!
Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to take off).
These are a very delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring, which keeps it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them, because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

Love ,


P.S I thought you might like to know that my mum likes to wear hers folded down with a little bit of fur showing.


Saturday, December 06, 2008

Elf And Safety Curtain.

I'm not normally one for pantos but when my seven year old niece asked me to take her along to one at The Grandvile Theatre, how could I say no to the dear little creature (well she is related to me, poor sod).

Imagine my surprise when I got a butchers at the cast, though!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Doesn't he cut a dash!