Sunday, May 30, 2010

Gold Digger's Bone Digger.

I've seen all kinds of madness in that nameless pub, on the end of Royal Road, Ramsgate, Kent, England and so on, but it seems there's always room for more and varied insanity, yet.
Being descended upon by an archeologist from the planet Me, last night, would be a good example of that.
Where do they dig these people up from? (did you spot my little joke, there?)
He managed to work his way through the whole pub, telling people how rich he was and how little that money meant to him (well it wouldn't mean much if you didn't earn it, would it! Duh!), while his rather pretty and shapely wife stood demurely at the bar, engaging in polite conversation with people, waiting for someone to beat him to death, so she could claim what was rightly hers.
If they've been together for more than six months, then she's earned every penny of it!

I may try Churchill's tonight, having had quite enough excitement for one weekend!

Friday, May 28, 2010

The Endochronic Properties Of Resublimated Thiotimoline.

The title of a short story by the late, great Isaac Asimov.
Based on some very solid scientific fact, this thesis effectively demonstrates the possibility of a substance to react to certain stimuli, prior to said stimuli being applied.
Utterly convincing and almost impossible to fault, but complete bullshit all the same!

A recommended read before reading this blog, for a better idea of the model that I use when authoring it.

And I suppose that last would be an example of that!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

40's Swanks.

Unfortunately, due to work commitments, I was unable to attend the 'little man in a boat' festivities, yesterday afternoon. Though I was able to get along for the good bit in the pub, afterward.
Not that I'm a great fan of Pratweasel's Belgian cafe, but that was where it was happening and I'd just been paid, so I was able to stay for more than just one drink.
Gosh, it was busy in there! Everyone was making merry, a good deal of them dressed up to the 40's, drinking, grazing and getting down and dirty with the retro band of the era.
It's a wonder that the crapped out drainage system in the loos was able to cope, but by some miracle, just for once, it seemed as capable of taking the piss as it's owner.
So, if Shaggy isn't able to afford a haircut, beard trim, and some decent clothes after that, we'll just have to assume that he likes looking like someone who tramps would shy away from.

Well done, all the same!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Butchered Arm.

As a bit of a mid-week treat, a few friends and I have decided to pop along to The Butcher's Arms, Herne, tonight.
It's a smashing tiny, little, award winning, semi-country pub, that comfortably seats around two or three people before you have to hold your glass under your chin and drink through a straw.
There'll be about half a dozen of us, and we'll be bringing our own straws, as, since losing the use of one of his arms in a motorcycle accident, a few years ago, the landlord doesn't seem to be able to adequately clean his own.
He's a good fella though, and likes a laugh, though he wasn't all that impressed on the occasion that he found a pin sticking out of his less useful limb, just before we departed a particularly drunken session.
Though to his credit, he doesn't employ any staff, preferring to run the place single handed.

I thought it might be quite good fun to see if I could raise a large enough posse, by posting this, to give him a proper half-flap on.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Heart Throp.

I know Ramsgate is balls to the wall with slebs and their sleblings, but you rarely get to see them in action.
So I was more than pleasantly surprised, while enjoying The Electric Experience in Churchill's yesterday, when a former member of Supertramp, and local resident, Dave Winthrop, joined in and dangled his sax in front of us.

I don't think I've been quite so blown away by a jam since WWII!

Even his wife entertained us, by trying to climb over the balustrade in front of the band, pissed out of her bonce, to make him come home for his tea.

Ramsgate rocks!!!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Dung Like A Honkey.

Apologies, first of all, for the last couple of posts being a touch on the poo orientated side, but turtles do raise their ugly heads from time to time.

Strolling back from my latest shag pit this morning, enjoying the glorious sunshine and, thanks to a strict pelvic floor exercise regime, minimal leakage, I was astonished to note that a good proportion of the canine offerings that I had to chicane my way through, as if I'd been thrown into a Tracy Emin sculpture, were reminiscent of the 'poodle poo', so common in the seventies.

Poo shouldn't be white, surely?

I'd be curious to know if anyone has the answer to this colonundrum.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Curry On Screaming.

As much as I love my Friday night, girly night out with the lasses, it's rare that it doesn't result in one regret or another, the following day.
Last night's expedition took us far, far away, to the very edge of Ramsgate, to dine heartily in the exotic and wonderful St Lawrence Tandoori.
Vindaloo and fluffy naan were munched, amid tales of derring do (mostly stuff about work colleagues getting on peoples' tits), before trawling into Ramsgate proper for the obligatory bucket o' beer.

A nice evening out, no fights, noone got arrested and nobody got so pissed that they shagged a minger. Hurrah!

But there's always a price to pay, and in my case, it was a rendition of that great Johnny Cash hit, Ring Of Fire, on the loo this morning!
Though it did spawn a first for me, as I've never blogged while standing up before. Laying down, plenty of times, but never standing up.
I can't honestly say that I'd want to do it again.

Any-old-road-up, I'll be popping into town now, to purchase a pot of natural yoghurt and a syringe.
My old mum's cure for everything, that!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Smack Heads Or Smack Tails?

I know I bang on a bit about standing outside that nameless pub on the corner of Royal and Westcliff Road, but it's like a convergence of alternate realities at times, and IMHO, worth a mention every now and again.
Though I don't find ALL of those realities particularly endearing, the most unsavoury of them all would have to be the smack-house, and all that dwell within, just along the road a little.
Whatever possesses people(?) to withdraw every aspect of themselves, except the ability to steal and spread disease, from this reality, escapes me completely.
Quite why these people(?), who's idea of helping themselves will never go any further than taking, but never giving back, are tolerated in society at all, escapes me also.

Yes, yes, I'm sure they've had an awful upbringing or some such thing, but is there anything that can be done, now, to change that?
I would say that the evidence points to the contrary.
If things are so bad that they have to hide from their past by hiding from the present and pretending that nothing matters, shouldn't we be helping them by relieving them of their burden on a more permanent basis, at the same time as relieving our own?

A simple injection, ironically, would suffice. Those who would like to enjoy a happy and fulfilling life would be one step closer to it, and those who don't would also have their wish granted.

Though I've little doubt that we'll be 'tossing' over this 'issue' for a good while to 'come'!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Compost Mentis.

It would be a lucky person indeed, in my neck of the woods (King Street), who doesn't have a neighbour that that hat fits!
Cheese arse swept, how are some people so oblivious to the fact that they live in a residential area, that they think it's perfectly acceptable to run a power cable out to their big white van, at 8pm, and set about a dustbin lid, inside it, with one of those air spanners that Quick-fit fitters use to rip the shit out of your wheel trims?
At least, that's what it sounded like.
When I'd finally had enough and went out to gently rap upon his back door, intending a polite rebuttal of his kind offering of 110 decibels of racket, he was emerging from his van, red, sweaty and panting.
"Do you mind." I asked him, "I can't hear the planes going over, while you're doing that!"
He looked at me, a little quizzically, and said, in broken English "Sorry, sorry, is finish now."
I'm still not sure what it was that he'd finished, and I'm fairly certain that I don't want to know, but if it happens again, he'll be using that spanner for the purpose that God intended it! Probably on all four wheels!

It'll most likely be weeks before our foxes come back from the Westcliff.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Large African Grey Cock.

I know, first hand, what a blight that the ban on smoking in public buildings has been for smokers, especially during this bitter Winter that we've just had, but on the bright side, it gets one out of the pub for a few minutes, here and there, to marvel at how 'non-pub-goers' relieve their own boredom.
So, while standing outside a local pub that shall remain nameless, on the corner of Royal and Westcliff road, a few days ago, I spotted a woman rounding the corner with a large African Grey cock in her hands.
Come on! Who takes their parrot out for walkies, I ask you!?
She was nattering away to the thing, though I couldn't quite make out what she was saying.

Perhaps it was TDC's latest hare-brained initiative, to combat the herring gull/bin bag problem, and these parrots are being trained to encourage fussier eating among the flying bags of shit?

Thursday, May 13, 2010


Giving up smoking is good for you?

My arse!

Well I'd suppose that depends on how you go about it really.
You could simply go 'cold turkey', which isn't pleasant at all.
Some kind of nicotine replacement therapy may ease the burden slightly.
Or, like myself, you could attempt to stop smoking by having someone convince your brain that you don't like smoking, which would seem to be the most painless option of them all.
Though you would be wise, if you elect for that latter method, to ensure that your hypnotherapist is not A) homosexual, B) the same sex as you, and/or C) deeply smitten by your exotic beauty!

It's taken months to correct what that evil, bean flicking, cock dodger did to me!
Even now, I can't listen to Suzi Quatro on Radio Two without moistening up a little.

And the irony that she'll probably be awarded a busman's holiday at Her Madge's pleasure, for what she did, really smarts!
I did suggest, for justice to be properly served, that she be sent to a male prison, but when is justice ever properly served in this country, these days? (That was a rhetorical question, Card, so put a sock in it!)

I've got an awful lot more that I'd like to say on this subject, but I think it's best if I just put it behind me now.
And besides, I need to pop out for a fag (cigarette)!