Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Rock Around The Clock Tower.

Though when I say clock tower, I actually mean the old maritime museum clock, but that just didn't have the same chime to it!
Live music, beer, funfair and French cheese! Combinations like that are not to be sniffed at, in my book.
And what with both the organising AND advertising being given back over to the Ramsgate town partnership this year, after the dreadful bollocks that TDC insisted on making of it last year, there may even be the crowds that we've enjoyed in previous years.
I also hear, through the grapevine, that some pretty exotic weather has been booked to compliment the whole affair.
Sadly, Michael Jackson's agent has informed the organisers, at the last minute, that he won't be available to open the event, but one quick thinking bod suggested grabbing an oik from outside McDonalds and announcing him as Bubbles. Confidence is fairly high that they might get away with that!

And I found this while trawling the muddy backwaters of blogger, as a small example of what to expect...

See you on Saturday!

Friday, June 26, 2009

For Sale. One Monkey Named Tinkerbell, Hardly Used.

Not entirely unexpected news, but sad all the same, of Michael Jackson's death at the age of fifty.
Though in that time, I suspect, he lived a life that would take most of us a thousand years to compete with.

R.I.P. Michael.


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Proper Gander.

Or, if you like, have a girl's look!
With all the self-denied racism that's being bandied about at the mo, I figured that it couldn't hurt, or maybe even help, to introduce a little sexism to the pot.
It seems quite clear that the majority of these racist remarks are the cycloptic viewings (You work it out. I'm not talking about the eyes on either side of the nose.) of the chromosomically challenged half of the population.
Apart from reducing your life-span, making your hair fall out and causing you to constantly think about sex (though I've noticed that's as far as it goes with a good deal of you), that testosterone really seems to impair your judgement, doesn't it!
I'd suggest that it would be put to better use in 'hunting' wild boar, rather than 'being' one.
Still, do carry on. This techno-industrial age will come to an end, at some point, and you can get back to what you're good at. Making babies and huts and bashing eachother over the head with bones.
In the meantime, we'll suffer your inane twittering with the infinite patience that our more penetrative insight allows.

Don't expect us to like it, though!

PS. For those of you that have ever wondered why we get the suffix 's' on the end of Mr, it stands for 'superior'!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Who's Who Of What's What , Where, When And Why, On Blogger!

Before we all lose our identities completely, among all the speculation of who is saying this as who, and whether what is being said is a reflection of the beliefs of the person saying it, or merely a fabrication of beliefs, say a 'Devil's advocate' point of view, or even someone projecting their own beliefs (so they say) under their own (alleged) moniker, we should, perhaps, ask that all important question.

Does it really matter?

I know that some believe it does, as some believe it doesn't. An issue that I've noticed being touched upon many times since I've been using blogger, but with no clear resolution being reached.
Perhaps there isn't one?
For my money I'd say it's irrelevant, in a forum for relaying ideas and information, as to who the person actually is. It's the missive that's being offered which is of relevance.
Would it make a difference, if I declared myself as Minjita Dyke, to what I have to say? Apart from the humour, racist comments and sexual slurs that would result, I suspect not!
To those who say it would simply make one commenter definable from another, I would ask why you'd want to?
Posters always have an identity, false or otherwise, and commenters throw in their reactions to those posts, perhaps embellishing, perhaps deviating, perhaps spewing utter bollocks.
Surely knowing who they are will lend bias to your opinion, if you're able or willing to have one, of what they say?

The sooner we get this sorted out, the sooner we can get back to good old sex, drugs, rock and roll and pondering the deeper mysteries of the Universe!
I'll leave politics and religion to just about everyone else.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Bigoted Bikers.

I know I should be careful what I say about our bi-wheeled elite, after Tony Flaig got a right good kick in the blogger for airing his views, but I'm not him and I'd like to think that it was his complete inability to communicate an idea (his special power), rather than the criticism itself that landed him in trouble, so I'll give it a go.
Having noticed a sharp uprise in the amount of bikers greasing themselves in through the door of one of our local hostelries, along the road from Churchills, that shall remain nameless, of late, and also the influx of some extremely, er, right-wing ideals, I have to wonder if the two aren't related somehow.
Ne'er a visit goes by, these days, without some sort of grumble about immigration, foreign workers pinching OUR jobs or just the general decline in pinkness of skin pigmentation, being bandied about the bar.

Well that's not what I, and, I feel, many others go to the pub for!
A few drinkies, a bit of a laugh and a good taunting of anyone that looks like they've had a bad day, does it for me! Not all this racist crap from a bunch of people that, ironically, like to have themselves coloured in by someone with a rapidly reciprocating pricking device.

So I may have to start taking my trade elsewhere from now on.
Trouble is, where the Hell am I going to find a pub in Ramsgate that caters for kind, caring, self-effacing, warm, generous, fair handed, level headed, sexy people like myself?

I think I'm going to end up having to buy one for myself!
Are they expensive?

Friday, June 12, 2009

The BNP Party, Be There Or Be Straight!

I'm getting a little cheesed off, personally, about all this talk of BNP this, BNP that and BNP blah, blah, blah... so I've decided to throw a BNP party of my own.
My 'Brown, Not Pink' party will be held on Saturday July 4th, at a venue yet to be named, and the theme will be Homosexual Love.
Everyone is invited and, in case it hadn't occurred, you don't actually have to be a shirt lifter to attend. It'll be like any themed party, for instance a Rags and Riches party, where you just dress up as a tramp or a toff.
Of course, if you are gay then you won't have to dress up! Bone-arse, eh?

Should be a great crack, just like the good old gays, as I have a natural bent for this kind of thing!

I'll fill you in with the venue once I've sorted that out.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Deaf Before This Hohner.

One thing that I appreciate in a pub, apart from the beer and nonsense talking, is when someone pulls a guitar out and has a bit of a good strum, though it seems to happen so rarely these days.
So when this happened in the Artillery Arms at the weekend, I must confess that I got so excited that it made me a little moist.
But the poor guy, who I know to be a fairly accomplished guitarist, couldn't seem to do a thing with the crappy old Hohner that they had hidden in the basement!
After spending ten minutes tuning it, he managed to get about thirty seconds into his first number before it needed tuning again!
It does make one wonder about the generosity of the person who donated it.
The whole experience, which should have been nostalgia set to music, turned out to be pretty grim indeed!

If I ever see it come out again, I've a strong inkling that I may turn Jimmi Hendrix on their ass and smash the thing to bits!

Tuesday, June 09, 2009


What with the recession biting us all very hard at the mo, I figured it's high time to look at new ways of generating the revenue to get this Country back on it's feet.
One idea that I've had is to take a serious look at fining people 5p (a shilling, in old money) every time they spit in the street.
Not a lot of money, you may say, but if you've ever chanced upon the crowd of kids that hang around outside McDungolds at the weekend, machine gunning spit onto the ground faster than they can part-form expletives, well that lot alone could pay for the regeneration of Margate!
I exaggerate, of course, as it would take a veritable sea of gob to make Margate look nice again, but you get my drift.
Though I do fully understand that you'd be as likely to actually get any money out of them as you would any sense, we could still off-set the national deficit in a matter of weeks, all the same.
And a little bonus for those bean eating, pasty faced bleeding hearts that claim 'we don't own the Earth, we borrow it from our children', is that you won't have to feel guilty any more. Well, not when you consider what they would be owing us!

Another idea would be to give them a bit of rag (I suggest Peacocks for that one) and get them to give people's shoes a buff up for 50p a throw, effectively cutting unemployment figures by around 70% and enabling them to pay their fines, whenever there isn't a shoe in the way.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Breaking The Lore.

Ok, after a particularly long and tiring rant over on ECR's blog, about anonymity, I've decided to bare my soul and reveal my true identity to anyone who actually cares to know, which I'm guessing won't be that many.

I am, in fact, Kate Mulgrew (Captain Katherine Janeway from Star Trek Voyager), and have been secretly living in Ramsgate since the last of the seasons ended.
A high accolade for Ramsgate, indeed, when you consider that I could have chosen just about anywhere in the Galaxy to live, in my retirement!

You won't recognise me on the street, of course, since taking on board a few hints and tips from a shape shifting Andorian friend of mine, I can mimic just about anyone.
Though it is nice to get home of an evening and relax into my own body.
Please feel free to go ahead and make your childish sexual references to that, if you wish!

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Boyle In The Bag.

If it's not bad enough that half the population now survives on preparation free, instant meals, we now have to suffer 'celebrities' of the same ilk!
And such a shame that it seems to have cost 'virgin on the ridiculous' Susan Boyle what little sanity the poor thing possessed in the first place, to highlight that.

I suppose the next logical step would be a reality show where contestants fight to the death for the position of Prime Minister.

Actually, that one might have legs.
At least the new PM would be a strong and determined character, unafraid to fight for their beliefs.
Could make some of these Brussels debates quite interesting too!

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Knob Of Butter.

Interesting to note, perhaps, that the phrase 'knob of butter' wasn't coined until as late as 1973, when, in The Last Tango In Paris, Marlon Brando had a chivalrous moment and applied said dairy product as a lubricant, before 'knobing' Maria Schneider up the wrong 'un.
Of course, as an actor, he was just going through the motions of intercourse, or, er, not, as the case may be.

I feel it will be a crying shame when the government finally gets it's way and culls the English pub culture to extinction, as I fear that these little gems of knowledge will almost certainly die with it!

Monday, June 01, 2009

Aldi Same.

To say that I don't approve of the way that Tesco try to deceive their customers into buying things that they don't really want, by constantly moving their stock around so people have to hunt for everything, would be an understatement. But that mind-fuck that they lay on you in Aldi makes Tesco look like rank amateurs.
I'd never noticed it before, having only shopped in the Aldi round the corner from me, in Ramsgate, but while visiting a friend yesterday, in Margate, I popped into their branch to grab a jar of coffee and had to walk straight back out again to re-affirm that I was still in Margate!
Everything in the whole shop, down to the tiniest detail, was exactly the same as Ramsgate. It even smelled the same!

What's their game, then?

Luckily I knew exactly where the coffee was and, thanks also to their highly efficient queueing policy, I was back out again before it had chance to really freak me out and make me buy everything in the shop, just to make the nightmare go away.


Rash Decision.

Although my ankle is feeling much better now, and I can put my full (107lbs, 5'6", natural blonde) weight on it again, I have developed a rather itchy rash on it, which I think may be a result of standing in my bucket a few days ago.
ERing on the side of caution, I figured another trip to the hospital might be prudent.

Just my luck that I got the same twitchy, fidget intolerant doctor again.
And it turns out that he's a bit of a perv, to boot!
Having already had a good ogle at my bush, he asked me if I wouldn't mind putting the gown on the other way round this time, presumably so he could ogle my arse too.
He got a little shirty when I gave him an admonishing look and refused, but then back-tracked a little and tried to change the subject by going on about me crossing and uncrossing my legs again.

If this is a current NHS ploy to encourage people to take out private health care insurance, then it's on the verge of working with me!