Soapy, Leaky Cock.

At least, that's how it came out in Bon Apetite last night, when, head full of beer and quite obviously things other than food, I tried to order a cock-a-leekie soup.
"I'm afraid we don't have that on the menu." I was told.
Luckily, to save further embarrassment, when I replied "So I suppose a shag's out of the question, then?" it actually came out as "I'll just have egg and chips, then."

Phew!

And my date wanted to know what I'll be doing tonight!
Bonus! (unless he was wondering where not to go!)

In With A Chancer.

As the weather was so lovely last night, I thought I'd spend the evening on the seafront, in the Belgian Bar-ret (pronounced Beirut).
Who'd have thought that I'd find love in there?
Anyhow, I've procured a hot date for tonight and he's pledged to wine and dine me in the finest restaurant in Ramsgate!

Woohoo!

Then maybe pop next door for a couple of Leffe Brunes?

Thai'd Up In Nots.

I don't normally like to get involved in political debate (plenty enough blogs around for that!) but when the Thais get all upset and decide to kick off, it's quite something to behold.
For a number of years now, a small portion of their population, The Peoples' Alliance for Democracy (PAD), have been fuming about their government pouring some of the easily earned money from their tourist trade into poorer rural areas, in the form of grants for development, cheap health-care, etc. So they had a coup a couple of years ago, in which no shots were fired, to depose their then Prime Minister, Thaksin (Frank?) Shinawatra. He's since been replaced by a fella called Somchai Wongsawat, who PAD claim is just a puppet for their former PM.
So thousands of them have taken over their capital's airport and closed it down, again without the use of guns, and say they're staying put until Wongsawat rights a wrong and buggers off.
Their army leader, Anupong Paochinda, has told PAD and the PM they can both bugger off, before sloping off to make a cup of tea and settle in front of the telly for a bit.

Meanwhile, the 'mericans are taking it a bit personally by claiming that the Thais are doing this to strand a large number of their lardies in Thailand, ostricising them from their turkeys and ruining their thanksgiving!
Sky News has even gone to the extraordinary length of interviewing one lardy and this was the response...

>>Cheryl Turner, 63, of Scottsdale, Arizona, said she had asked neighbours to pull an 18lb turkey from her freezer to defrost for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

"My turkey is sitting in the sink at home," she said.<<

A phrase that, if slightly misconstrued, could cause a great deal of offence to a large number of Asians. You can read the whole article here.

So the match is ready to kick off with PAD (in the yellow shirts) holding the country's main airport, dug in and waiting for the UDD (poor people in red shirts, but tons more of them) to attack them with rocks, wooden sticks and a sea of menacing grins.

I'd love to give you a little more insight but unfortunately, due to the non-violent nature of their protest, I'm afraid they haven't left me with anyone to interview on the matter.

Mind you, it does give me an idea of how to deal with Infratil.

Loo Sir?

Leafing through some holiday snaps that a friend of mine brought round recently (well you have to grit your teeth and smile politely, don't you), I came across this little gem that he'd taken in a pub toilet, while in Brighton.



It never ceases to amaze me how you fellas can get yourselves in such a state!

Mind you, I suppose I'd do the same myself, on occasion, but luckily the ladies aren't equipped with that type of pottery.

Hands Free Upgrade.

Hurrah!
My days of walking half a mile from my car to the shops are almost over, after recieving a letter from my insurers yesterday, informing me that they're upgrading my policy to 'disabled' status.
Lord knows why they've done this as there's bugger all wrong with me but, not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I'll be sending a copy of it off with my application for a disabled badge, forthwith.
My new status doesn't actually take effect until the 1st of December, when, as the letter states, my insurance will become invalid, but that's less than a week away!

With a bit of luck I'll get my disabled badge in time for my Christmas shopping at Westwood Cross.

Ghost Town!

After getting that feeling in my water that last night would be the night that I finally met my Prince, and spending two hours getting ready to plunge towards my destiny, I was having trouble containing my disappointment at how quiet the pubs were!
With a band playing at Churchill's called Karaoke Groove or something, I thought I'd have the pick of the pokes, but no, alas, there were about twenty people there, 60% women, 40% mingers ('cept for the huge body-builder fella with the flappy hairdo who normally sits at the end of the bar, but I'm not sure I want him rolling all over me and squashing my tits!).

Everyone must be in the Artillery, I thought.

Nope, all to be found there was a bunch of octogenarians and a barman playing chess with one of the locals.

Far too exciting for me!

Ah well, maybe I got my dates mixed up and today's the day that I'll find my one true love (...or a shag, at least)?
Counterfeit Notes are playing in Churchill's at 5-30 and they always pull in a good crowd.

Let's see if I can do the same, eh?

Leap Christmas.

And while we're on the subject of Christmas, it's interesting to note (for those of us that are bemused by the idiosyncrasies of leap years) that this year, New Years Day will be officially counted as being in the same year as Christmas Day!

Well I never!

399 Shopping Days Until Next Christmas.

I know I should probably focus on getting this Christmas out of the way, before worrying about the next one, but I do like to plan ahead.
And Christmas IS my favourite time of year, despite finding out the bitter truth about Santa, a couple of years ago.
So what if he's gay! I was never interested in persuing THAT kind of relationship with him, anyway.

So then, I'd best be away to write out some cards. And reviewing the amount of new friends I've aquired over the last year, I've a feeling that I may have to open the 'super value economy' box of a dozen cards which I bought in 1987.

Cycler Hex 'n' All.

For those of you that are a little concerned about contamination of our water supply, I've been poking about in the Ether, looking for some answers there (because the dead don't half know some stuff) and was rather surprised to find that our entire water table has been cursed by a somewhat surly, Victorian alchemist after he fell off his penny farthing into it, pockets full of lead, following a particularly futile attempt to turn dog poo (something that Thanet has always had in great supply) into gold!
So not only is our water supply cursed, it's also contaminated by a shockingly poisonous heavy metal that formerly resided in a dog's arse!

That's it for me. I'm sticking to beer from now on!!!

Astral Fireworks.

My poor old dog, Eli, is still shaking after all those bangs and flashes from a few days ago.
I had to confess my surprise at this, bearing in mind that he is, in fact, the most recent incarnation of one of Sir Guy Fawkes's best friends and co-conspiritors. Though after a reasonably thorough celestial probing, it turns out that he crapped himself on the big night too, even though the bomb didn't go off.
It didn't help matters at all when one of my cats (formerly Queen Elizabeth I) came flying in through the cat-flap with a lit banger tied to her tail.

Cats can be so cruel, can't they!

History Lesson.

Living in the modern World, as we do, things can sometimes seem perplexing, nay incomprehensible. So it's important, I think, to be retrospective from time to time and to review how our society came to be what it is today.
If you have 12 minutes to spare (not a great deal of time in the grand scheme of things), the following video should answer all of your questions......

A Merry Con President.

I see those intrepid, galaxy hopping West-ponders (of whom only about 10% hold passports, oddly enough) have launched themselves into hype-space again, with their latest idea of how to seem like they're saving their bloated and ailing nation.
Electing a black prez is a master-stroke, isn't it?
With all the kerfuffle and spin that will result from that, they could probably nuke something strategic in their own Country without anyone noticing at all.
Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against the idea of it in principle, it's the timing of it that makes me raise an eyebrow. Big recession, black socialist steps in to sort it all out, white bigot steps in to sort him out, blame for the whole thing gets buried with ex-prez.
Still, at least he was elected this time, rather than being inaugurated by the courts. Much more democratic in appearance!

Or perhaps I'm being cynical?

Concert Tina, Unfolding.

Is there any truth in the rumour that Tina Charles has been booked to sing at The Winter Gardens, next Easter? What a fantastic way to celebrate ressurection day!

Wow! She was my absolute favourite diva when I was a, er, child in the 70's!

Well I'll certainly be at the front of the queue for tickets, if that's true!

Bah Rain!

Which would be appropriate for our little Island I suppose, as, literally translated, Bahrain means Kingdom of the two seas (English Channel and North Sea, for the less geographically self aware among us).
I do wish it would bloodywell stop raining at some point though, as I'm starting to develop a complex about the fact that every time I spend half a weeks wages on a hairdo, it rains non-stop for about a week afterwards!

Maybe my barnet is some kind of Rain God?

Owl Hollows Eve`.

A rather important date in the calender of us 'spiritual' types, today. It's a bit like our Christmas!
Though I will admit that I find some of the rituals rather perplexing.
Quite why we have to hollow out an owl (or a pumpkin for the squeamish), I won't even pretend to understand.
Still, tradition is tradition so I'll be off to the woods today with my cosh and a spoon, and hope that I don't run into the RSPB again. They're a surly bunch that seem to have a bit of an adversity to witchcraft.
I've also never quite got my head around why we have to do this at the end of October. Surely, if one is going to run around naked, bashing owls on the head, the middle of Summer would be more appropriate!

Ours is not to reason why, I suppose.

Things That Go Bump In The Night.

You would think, wouldn't you, that with my ability to communicate with the dead 'n' all, I wouldn't get scared about the odd creepy noise or two, in the middle of the night.
Well I do live in King Street, and I, like most people, have the hardest time trying to communicate with the undead that skulk around these parts!
So you can imagine, perhaps, the mixture of fear and anger that I experienced upon peeping over my duvet and seeing one of these skulking forms going through my bedroom drawers.
Unluckily for my intruder, I have lightning fast reactions and was out of bed, clubbing him over the head with the large ceramic ashtray on my bedside cabinet, before I even had chance to realise that I have neither a bedside cabinet nor a large ceramic ashtray!

OOPS!

Once I'd managed to stem the bleeding and stop the poor fella from crying and shaking, I thought it prudent to just apologise and go home.

I really ought to cut down on my drinking, but have arranged to meet some friends in the Artillery Arms this afternoon.
Maybe something to look at tomorrow?

Miss Steak.

I wonder if Churchills have considered running a Miss Steak competition to augment their already popular steak night.
I could be in the running for that title, as it's already a popular nick-name for me, bestowed upon me by my parents at a very early age.
As I recall, I was often introduced to people as 'our little Miss Steak'.

And if I could be the first one to congratulate myself, in the event that said competition is held, by saying "Bloody well done, Medium!"

Plane Jane Takes Flight.

I see our vigilante reporter of all things bad for Thanet has gone off in a huff, yet again! Blaming it, also yet again, on miscreants posting their opinions (how dare they!) on his blog.
Well honestly, some people just don't know when they've got it good!!!
So, go right ahead and bury your head under the Tower of London. Had you continued your tirade against TDC, they probably would have done that for you, sooner or later, anyhow!
In the meantime, let's play couple of little tribute songs, in an attempt to fill the hole that he's left in the Thanet blogosphere and hope for his speedy return, once he's finished taking it out on his bedsit tenants in our Nation's great capital.




...and there's nothing gay about these fellas, either!



Seeing our Jimmy there, reminds me of a previous video that's been posted. It's so good, I thought it worth another airing!




Missing you already, sweetie!

Cold Off The Press.

Being a bit of a cider fan (you can't beat a Magners with half a bucket of ice in it), I thought I'd better haul ass to the cider festival at Churchills, at the weekend.
My word, that stuff they were serving does for your legs!!!
When it was all over, it took me about ten minutes to get up the stairs to the bar, where they had a band playing. I don't remember too much about what they were playing but found myself unable to stop dancing to it, every time I tried to move around the place.

I'm starting to gain an idea of why it's so heavily rumoured that incest is rife in the Westcountry. It's going to be a bit difficult to go out and extend your gene pool if you can't walk more than three or four steps without going arse over tit, isn't it!

What Goes Up....

Not that I'm normally one for paying too much credence to pub conversations, I did hear something quite disturbing last night.
Apparently, and contrary to what I've always believed, it is actually possible to catch Down's Syndrome, under certain circumstances, from the age of about thirty, onwards!
Being one of those people who's lives are ruled by 'certain circumstances', I was worried enough to research the matter as soon as I got home.
The fact that I couldn't find any reference to this, anywhere on YouTube, just smacks of a big cover-up and has deepend my concerns exponentially.

In fact, all I could find was this video and, to be quite honest, apart from being no help at all, I also found it a quite offensive!





Is there a doctor in the house who can clear this up?